I have spent a not insignificant amount of time in the last 5 years telling anyone that I hate their Apple phone/pad. It’s difficult to pinpoint when I started to dislike Apple. I had a 40gb iPod, the first one with the wheel I think; broke it. I had a 32 gb next, the first colour one I think; lost it. I had another 32gb one; it was stolen. So, it might be that Apple was taking up too many of my birthday and Christmas gifts and I wanted to start buying and losing Creative ZENs instead. This may have planted a seed but the bitter Apple tree bloomed on arrival of the iPhone.
The first group of iPhone users were a curious breed. A largely harmless group of posers (David) and techies. Yes, they were annoying (David), but by completely ignoring one of my closest friends I was able to pretend they didn’t exist. When the iPhone reached mainstream adoption, I would guess at the second or third gen phones, they really started to get on my tits.
The monopolisation of pub conversation was the first major annoyance. If iPhoners were a majority in the group you were doomed to an evening of distorted pictures of faces and ideas for new apps, the only escape from which was to amble outside for a fag and hope that it might kill me quicker than advertised. The cultish response to the endless stream of slightly altered new products confirmed in me how stupid everyone else was and how great I was for seeing through the con.
About a month ago I won an iPad mini in a raffle at a New Year banquet. Obviously anybody with the feelings I’ve spouted off so far would welcome the extra £300 and sell that shiny chopping board straight away. This was my initial intention. With a table of envious colleagues annoyed by my apathy I told them I’d sell it tomorrow and get the drinks in… I did neither.
My resolve had wilted by the morning and I decided to leave it boxed for a week and make a more informed decision. So I spent the next few days researching what a tablet can do and how good the iPad mini is. The verdict was that the iPad mini isn’t that good, but it is small. And that a tablet isn’t that good, but it is entertaining. Throughout this process the box had been sitting on our coffee table, sexing me up with its minimal design and sleek lines. I was aware of this enough to comment on it but powerless to resist it. If I hadn’t opened it before the end of the week there was no telling what I would’ve done to the packaging.
So iFalied. I felt that almost everything I do on my computer I could do on the iPad but at one tenth of the size and weight. My first day as a Padawan I downloaded apps for The Guardian, The New Yorker and a number of puzzle games that I thought would test me. If I had lost my moral high ground I would at least use the iPad to drag me back up. Within a week I was playing Fifa while taking a shit. I took it on holiday to Vietnam, where I met my Suegrita, and sat at the breakfast table reading the paper. If we spoke a common language maybe I wouldn’t have done so but the fact remains, I did.
In a month I have become everything that once disgusted me. I’ve sat at a table ignoring conversation for the sake of the pad, I’ve taken it out mid-conversation to settle a discussion and I’ve used the phrase “Wait! I need the iPad.”
The novelty has worn off at this stage, I use my computer at home because I’m a bit slow and I don’t handle change well. I am a hypocrite, but one that still can’t admit he was wrong and so can’t enjoy it.
Sent from my chuffing laptop!